An Awe-ful Cruise

When we were growing up, Spam was a food. Today it’s a pain in the electronic ass. Come on already! We start the day checking our emails and what’s sitting in the server junk mail folder but nearly 400 junk and spam emails! Not to worry, none of them actually made it to our inboxes so there’s no threat of suddenly getting emails from us forwarding offers to accent your personal sexual prowess or body part size or next saffron recipe.

But, occasionally there’s one that just catches our attention, because, after all, we are writers and double entendres and puns make for great dialogue… and blog entries. So, in today’s junk folder was this simple subject line: “Enjoy an Alaskan cruise in a state of awe”.

At first glance it seems simple enough, especially for the untrained eye. But then the three key words just soared off the screen like the 3-D Terminator show at Universal Orlando: Alaskan, state, awe. Don’t you see it, too? The Alaskan cruises take place in the state of Alaska, not the state of Awe!

But wait, use some logic and memory (with a dose of absurdity) now! This spam email added a state to the United States, if you use the art of exaggeration. Oh, but now use the gift of memory! Recall who said that he had visited all the 57 United States except Alaska and Hawaii? Yes, it was President (then-Candidate) Obama in 2008 ( Taking absurdity to its logical extension, the state of Awe could be one of President Obama’s extra seven states the rest of us have yet to visit! Of course, that may take a while for a lot of us, with the price of gas more than double what it was since the 2008 election. Taking this line of reasoning further, all those politicians complaining about man-made global warming have to be celebrating, because with less of us driving thanks to the President’s energy plan of doubled gas prices man-made global warming has to be ending.

But that makes us wonder then this: we just had nine inches of rain (according to the Savannah TV news weather) in the last couple days here in the South Carolina Lowcountry. Was this huge soaker due to man-made global warming? The average temperature for today (as compiled from only a century’s worth of record-keeping) is 65 degrees with a forecast high of 73; right now it’s 64 (below the average, notice), and the record of 86 was set in 1944 (before anyone put together the words man, made, global, and warming). So if our actual high today is higher than the 100-year average but lower than the record high, is that man-made global warming?

On the other hand, if man-made global warming is actually melting the glaciers and icecaps it could explain the nine inches of rain in the past 24 hours. We’re not sure how all that melted glacier water got into the clouds, it should have flooded our city here with higher tides, since we’re, oh, right on the coast… but, the city is intact if just very wet.

But then the higher price of gas keeps a lot of us from driving anymore. Less CO2 emissions means less global warming. Higher gas prices also means not being able to afford to go on vacations. No vacations means not going to the state of Awe to then go to Alaska and take the cruise to see the glaciers that are there but aren’t supposed to be there because the planet is warming. And that also means not going to the state of Awe for any other reason, so there will be no contributing to that local economy. And as soon as we learn the names of President Obama’s other six new states from 2008 we won’t be able to afford to travel to any of them, either…

…all of which means we’ll keep our money in our local economy. So, instead of answering that stupid email of an Alaskan cruise in the state of Awe, we will stay right here in Beautiful Beaufort By The Sea, Twenty-three Miles From Yemassee, and dine at one of our favorite Waterfront restaurants like Saltus or Plum’s, buy some tasty treats at The Chocolate Tree, and sit in a swinging bench on the Waterfront park overlooking the beautiful Beaufort River and honestly say:


…and we didn’t have to go to Alaska.


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