Tricky Dicky Found A Stick-y

(The J&C Wordsmiths have both been dealing with their own personal medical issues this week, so what better time than now to offer a satirical monograph on the state of modern medicine?)

I’m so fed up with today’s “state-of-the-art” doctors. First, I’m told to show up at a specific time to see the doctor, and then have to wait an hour to finally be called in. Why didn’t they just schedule me for the later time to begin with? I ought to be able to charge the doctor’s office for my time spent waiting and twiddling my thumbs (provided I didn’t have any broken thumbs at the time).

When the visit is all said and done, I feel like I’ve been screwed with nary a kiss, not even a “thank you” or a cigarette! By the way, aren’t cigarette taxes supposed to be paying for health care? Oh, right, only health care for children! Adults have to smoke themselves sick to cover the children’s health care by buying more and more cigarettes, but the taxes make the cigarettes so expensive adults can’t afford them anymore, so children naturally have to be dying due to lack of cigarette tax funds. Um, has anyone seen a headline of children dying due to decreased cigarette taxes? I’ve missed that one, please email the link if you find it.

Yeah, I know, I’m just a tad frustrated with it all. I’ve gone to doctors, internists, specialists and even those “teaching” hospitals. Of course, now I’m concerned that my doctor continues to “practice” medicine in his office. Dammit, with what I’m paying for care there shouldn’t be any need for anymore “practicing”! Anyway, I’ve been poked and prodded, even in places exposed only during showers. I am now Super Human Pin Cushion!

Oh, now, here’s the big one. The doc gave me a pill that was still in the “testing phase”. Oh, joy, FDA, thanks a lot. And thank you, Obamacare, for putting me in the category of qualifying only for the pill for the pain instead of more expensive procedures guaranteed to work. Remember what the President said June 25, 2009? Paraphrased: “Maybe you’re better off not having the surgery, but taking the painkiller.” And the video link just so you don’t think we’re editing like NBC: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-dQfb8WQvo. Hey, Dr. Obama, I’m taking the pill and I still hurt like hell!

Did you run out of your supply of lab rats, doctors and labs? Could be due to Canada. Don’t you remember back in the 70s and 80s when Johnny Carson would note each day’s new discovery “that (fill in the item) was found to cause cancer in Canadian rats?” I guess the US sent a lot of lab rats to Canada to make up for all the ones that died every day from large concentrations of new items with new cancers, which haven’t been seen in Canadian or American rats since (since all those rats end up in Washington, DC anyway).

Anyway, check out some of these side effects of that miracle pill I was given for nerve damage pain, and I quote: sudden hair loss, projectile vomiting, ulcerations to the digestive system, sudden weight loss, impotency, cancer, nerve damage. Wait, nerve damage? The pill to treat the symptoms of nerve damage causes nerve damage? The nerve of that doctor! Neuropathy is the reason I went in to start with! So the pill of the year is gonna leave me a skinny, old, twitchy, spewing, bald human whose only sex drive is to take the car to the porno video store. Great.

Frustrated with our modern witch doctors, I remembered a book I’d purchased a few years back, “Acupuncture without Needles.” It’s all about using acupressure to treat a myriad of ailments, and has saved my hide more times than I can count. Flipping through the index, I searched through the “N’s” for “nerve.” Not only was I shocked that “nerve” wasn’t listed, but more surprised when I came to the word “Nixon, Richard M.” WTH? What’s the prezzy (as Jimmy Fallon calls the President of the United States) doing in my acupressure book? Of course, curiosity got the best of me and I flipped to page 36.

Well I’ll be dipped and served on a steek like a sombrero-wearing jalapeño! Says here President Nixon and his wife Pat flew all the way over to Communist China in 1972, for affairs of the state, or some-such nonsense. (Why couldn’t he have an affair in the US, anyway? He could have prevented the start of man-made global warming by staying in Washington and not wasting all that jet fuel burned by Air Force One, but then the new Ice Age prediced by Newsweek magazine would have started instead. Oh my, think about what Air Force One is contributing to man-made global warming today!)

While ol’ Dicky was rubbing elbows with the Commies, Pat headed out to the jungle in search of who-knows-what affair of her own. What she stumbled upon was a farm commune clinic. It wasn’t one of those “take a number and have a seat” kind of places, either. They were using acupuncture on their patients, as they’d done for over 5,000 years! The place was serine and calm. Pat was taken aback when she saw all the happy, smiling faces of people who looked like human porcupines, and decided to dig deep into the medicine’s origins and cures. Seems the Chinese had it right all along, with their healing therapies of acupuncture and herbs.

Now, makes you wonder, huh? The government today is looking for medical reform— if you’re too old for proper care, the 15 bureaucrats in charge of the Afordable Care Act will decide you just pop a pill and all will be better. Actually, that’s a great idea! Now people won’t have to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on medical college and have to charge high office visit costs to the patients to recoup their college tuition costs! Just take an Obamacare pain pill!

Well, back to my book, I still couldn’t figure out why ol’ Tricky Dicky was in my book! Ah, then I found it. Seems Pat told hubby something was brewing in the jungle. They looked into it, liked it, and they were one of the first to bring this 5,000-year-old practice to America! So, that trip wasn’t a waste of taxpayer’s money after all! (And everyone forgot about having the affairs.) Now, he wasn’t the greatest person around to handle money, or even shreds of paper, but he was onto something here.

Now, there are millions and millions of people around the world being stuck with those acupuncture needles… and it works, folks! Chinese medicine, as a whole, is one of the most awesome things we’ve ever had, yet because it can’t be created in a laboratory, therefore it can’t be blessed and regulated by the FDA, nor recognized by our insurance agencies. Think about it, how much of that deficit is because we didn’t want to fix a problem, just put a band-aid on it, time and time again?

Well, I know we have some wonderful physicians in the world, and our local doctors here do their very best for us. I just think the fact that “Tricky Dicky Found a Stick-y” is the best medicine around!

But, this all still doesn’t explain why you’re always hungry after eating Chinese food. Guess we’ll explore that subject another time…

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