Invasion of the Intelligence Snatchers

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OH MY!  The TASK FORCE NOVELS authors (namely us, the J&C Wordsmiths), to our astonishment, learned this week that the Associated Press, of all agencies, in all its historical, professional, certified, sanctioned, wisdom (bless their little hearts, that’s a southern thing, in case’n ya didn’ know), decided to stop calling illegal aliens…“illegal aliens”.  (Insert texting abbreviation “WTH” here.)

Really?  Why fore? (Another Southernism, y’all.) Was someone confused on the issue?  Who would those particular people / persons be in the AP stories now, “not lawful humans who crossed map borders without going through an office populated by other humans to get permission”?  Is there an “illegal alien department / division” in the US that decides such protocol, as well as waiting to be renamed to be compliant with future AP articles? We’re just asking.  I mean, we knew the Area 51 aliens are legal by now;  surely they’ve had children after all these decades, and being born in the US makes them automatic citizens. We don’t recall any rule about one being born in the US having to be Homo sapiens. (Little green people, big green people…space shuttles not allowed to fly anymore…aluminum…Velcro…space ship things that fly at night with strange lights…Hillary Clinton wearing glasses that look like Epcot Center lenses…so many more very inexplicable things!) But gosh, this is different—well, the way we see it, anyway.

As professional Wordsmiths, it behooved (like that word?) us to examine this inexplicable logic… we’re a curious lot, you know. No, we’re not that curious, nor are we curiosities, as we have ten toes each like everyone else, although Jack’s toes are much larger than Cyndi’s, but some mornings Jack reports his toes are as stiff as hooves, so some days he could be behooved himself—until the coffee kicks in…

Anyway, we decided to delve deep into the American (that is, used by normal American citizens outside Washington DC, politics, and the Associated Press) definition of the word “illegal”, in an effort to assimilate some of this gobbledygook (yep, that’s an accepted American word, and a highly technical term you shouldn’t use if you’re not a professional Wordsmith yourself) that takes on so many meanings. And we mean it! So, according to websters.com, the adjective definition of illegal is… are ya ready, y’all?…

  1. Forbidden by law or statute—(ok, got it, leaving the Statute of Liberty out of it)
  2. Contrary to—or forbidden by official rules, regulation (ok, got that too, dang)

Therefore, doesn’t this mean that if someone doesn’t follow the American laws when entering the United States, as in sneaking across borders or climbing fences, that they entered illegally?  (Here’s where you crank your head to the side and think logically. It won’t hurt, we promise.)

You could say they crossed the U.S. borders without permission or utilizing illegal actions to get past the border agents (however, um, “not legally” one wants to phrase it, but isn’t one word easier than TWO to describe a criminal act?  Yeah—if ya do something contrary to the law, you’ve committed a criminal act, blah, blah, blah…).  That kinda describes “most” politicians you know, right? Oops…It’s true, most don’t follow the very laws they force on the rest of us. Are we the only ones who noted that the Executive and Legislative branches of the US Government are exempt from Obamacare?  Forever?  But we digress, as usual…

OK, let the Wordsmiths take it just one step further, with your permission and for someone’s entertainment value—let’s explore the second half of that term, the word “alien”.   Websters.com defines this noun as: (yes, we love nouns, verbs, adjectives…especially those obsessive, dangling participles—whatever the heck they are!—We know of things that dangle—but didn’t call them participles…another story…maybe we should follow up on that another time, BUT…!):

  1. A resident born in or belonging to another country who has not acquired citizenship by naturalization (distinguished from what?  An American citizen? Way, way, wayyyyy back in the original days of the INDIANS—those nice people were here before us?)  Okay…
  2. A foreigner?  (Okay…)
  3. A person who has been estranged or excluded?  (Okay, sounds like that might pertain to separated-married couples)
  4. A creature from outer space; extraterrestrial?   (Ah YES!!!  That might be it!  We LOVE IT!!!  YEAH, Okay! You’re outa here, Superman!)

Therefore, anyone not born in the U.S. , nor a naturalized citizen, is by definition, an alien. What a find!  Kind of cool!

While this does not explain Nancy Pelosi, who definitely MUST have Martian genes in her DNA…and eyes…(sorry, personal opinion, but honestly, look at a picture of her and then look at a picture of ET), it does mean that anyone born in countries such as Madagascar, Nepal, Antarctica, or Washington DC,  (or wherever outside the 50 United States), are by official definition aliens when they come into the United States?  Right?  Right?  Maybe, not right in today’s “don’t want to offend anyone” sensitivity.  We want to be politically correct, but honestly, being PC burns our arses…

Ah, yes, Washington DC: it’s just like visiting Mickey Mouse or Goofy or other Disney resort characters.  Most of Washington is a place of big heads full of empty spaces with just a little brain underneath to keep the body moving (ohhhh, so politically incorrect.  We apologize? Nah, not a chance in heck…or Washington DC). For the record, we LOVE Disney and all things Disney! The Disney parks put up CHRISTMAS Trees during CHRISTMAS, while Washington DC, and other state governments we won’t name (like Rhode Island) puts up HOLIDAY trees.

When we combine an adjective describing a criminal act with a noun about a person who isn’t a U.S. citizen, and apply it to the action of entering this country by secretive means (does that happen, really? Ask Jay Carney), that person, by published definition in Webster’s Dictionary, is an alien who committed an illegal act. However, it is so much easier and shorter to say “illegal alien”, as also published in Webster’s. Yet The Associated Press in all its wisdom (knowledge, sense, insight, perception, astuteness, acumen….what the heck is acumen??? Are there no acuwomen? There oughta be sexual equality in mental descriptions!)—has decided not to use the logical and accurate description because it doesn’t want to offend illegal aliens by calling them what they, by legal definition, are: “illegal aliens”. Therefore, illegal immigrants are now referred to as “immigrants who are here illegally”.  Oh, yes, we can see the next headline: “Person Killed By Immigrant Who Is Here Illegally”… Oh that is so much better than “Person Killed By Illegal Immigrant”, isn’t it?

Frankly, we are offended by such idiocy—by a supposedly objective news organization. Rates right up there with the Obama Administration calling terrorism “man-made acts of destruction”. No shitake, what do you think terrorism is, hmmm?  Next thing you know President Obama will call himself the Scientist-in-Chief because he wants the “human brain mapped.”

Oh, wait—he did that this week!

Friends, we aplogize for this rant… it was due to the recent spells of local cold weather here in the south, caused by man-made global warming exaserbated (one more Southernism) by sequestration, and by media stupidity.

Time to go put ET in the BlueRay and look for Nancy Pelosi in the opening scene with all the little ETs…

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Hey, agree?  Or disagree?  Drop us a line here on our blog…we’d love to hear from you!

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