image002As writers we know that words mean things, and the complexity of the English language makes for easy confusion or unintentional humor when used by those who are not so fluent in the usage of English … it’s always entertaining to see when newspaper headline writers make such obvious, shall we politely say, poor choices of words? Here are a few beauties we’ve found online with a little commentary of our own flavor for your continued entertainment:

“17 Remain Dead in Morgue Shooting Spree”– Holy Walking Dead, Batman! Those corpses got right up from their slabs, beat up the guards and took their weapons and started killing everyone!

“Breathing Oxygen Linked to Staying Alive”– Unless you are from the Jovian moon Europa and breathe methane…

“City Unsure Why The Sewer Smells”– Because politicians’ poop don’t stink, doncha know?…

“Dam Road Sign Keeps Disappearing”– Well, dam it, quit painting the signs with Acme Invisible Paint! That’s supposed to go to Wile E. Coyote to help him catch the Roadrunner!

“Anthony’s Dry Cleaners Has Been Working on the Same Spot for 15 Years”– They’re so focused that they missed all those OxyClean commercials…

“Fire Destroys Go-Go Bar, Leaves 4 Men Homeless”– And now those poor guys have nowhere to go-go…

“Study Show Frequent Sex Enhances Pregnancy Chances”– And frequently breathing oxygen will create the ability for editors to write headlines like this…

“Governor Will Help People With Gas”– I can do it without raising your taxes: STOP EATING BEANS!

“Lawyers Back Despite The Use Of Bug Spray”– Well, that’s what happens when you rely on the governor to help people with gas…

“People Think Aliens Must Be More Smarter Than Us”– That must be because them thar flyin’ saucers use methane to fly—they ain’t got no lawyers, and they been usin’ OxyClean on their space suits for 15 years…

“Fumes Force Bean Workers To Leave”– Where’s the governor when you need him?!?!?

“Man With 8 DUIs Blames Drinking Problem”– He should’ve used the ol “methane from bean fumes” excuse. The governor could’ve pardoned him then!

“Plane Forced To Land At Airport”– It should have landed on the highway like all the other pilots land their planes!

“Porn Case Has Holes, Lawyer Says”– And to stay abreast of the evidence, he’s running a little behind in his case. That’s the up-and-down of the legal system…

“The Bra Celebrates A Pair Of Historic Milestones This Year”– The cups are running over during this celebration, cross my heart! And as an added bonus, there will be a grand prize and a booby prize at the anniversary party…

“Report Of Unresponsive Man At Malden Casket Company”– He was also noted as being much laid back, as though in deep meditation or with an indifferent attitude. He could have overdosed on oxygen or methane, and was identified as a bean factory worker…

J&C Wordsmiths, LLC

Authors Jack Gannon & Cyndi Williams-Barnier



Twitter:  @jandcwordsmiths

Blog: https://jandcwordsmiths.wordpress.com

Email: jandcwordsmiths@gmail.com

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