REPORT TO SYDNEY SCHNARLING SCHNAUZER
TO: COH (Cat-astrophic Operative Headquarters) – Washington, DC
ATTN: CIO (Chief Information Officer) Ms. Sydney Schnarling Schnauzer
FROM: MI (Meownistry Intelligence) Agent 00Purr, Norman Cooler, Licensed to Meow
RE: Infiltration of J&C Wordsmiths, LLC (As Purr Your Orders)
Ms. Schnauzer, I’m happy to report that I’ve successfully been hired by J&C Wordsmiths, LLC and have begun the process of infiltration into their literary organization, and will report to you frequently or more often if urgent. If this Corporation is to “take off” as it should, I will uphold my duty of being the eyes, ears and whiskers of COH to make sure these two authors succeed. The title the humans have given me at this Corporation is that of Research and Intelligence. As instructed I’ve taken the namesake of Norman Cooler, the long-lived superintendent of a certain South Carolina government agency, as part of my disguise. You’ll be pleased that I’ve learned to smoke a stogie, albeit it a catnip stogie, as did the late Norman Cooler. (Personal entry: Please disavow any entries you receive between 1800 and 2300 hours, as that is the time I am, um, practicing the proper use of my catnip stogie for visual appearances during the humans’ office hours. Thank you.)
Since my arrival, I’ve been able to observe and ascertain certain information that is vital to COH. Below you will find my notes on each employee and give a synopsis of my findings to date.
The Corporation seems to be well-compliant in their hiring practices as far as their employees’ ethnicity and religious beliefs. They display no prejudice of any kind (other than their talks of certain Federal Government practices and policies—all of which I must agree), and prove to be quite lenient with their trust of all hired felines and canines. Meow-ny of us are multi-lingual, yet communicate quite easily with each other. We are being sufficiently paid daily via feeding, watering, brushing, petting, and all have learned to tolerate their incessant need to baby-talk with the employees (they are writers and have to say things like “you’re my pretty baby”???). Occasionally, the employees have disputes and get into each other’s way, but the humans let them fluff and ruff squabbles on their own with little interference.
Here, I will start with my assessment of each employee:
We will start with employee Mr. Bunny. Mr. Bunny is the official Cook in the J&C Wordsmiths offices. I’ve observed that he starts each day with a bowl of catnip while watching the morning news. He purrrfectly prepares meals of rats, frogs, lizards, crickets, birds and such. The humans however don’t seem to be fond of his culinary skills—a bit baffling to me, as everything Mr. Bunny presents is delectable. However, the humans’ weight-loss program is proceeding excellently. It is unfortunate that Mr. Bunny was recently caught stealing one of my stogies, and disciplinary action had to be taken. (Please disavow the evening report regarding Mr. Bunny and me comparing the tranquil qualities of catnip stogies, all 365 pages of it. Thank you.)
Next, we move to employee Mr. Tunsis. He’s the Office Manager and Editor of J&C Wordsmiths (seen here with Author Jack Gannon, reviewing “The Latrodectus Murders”). He insists on proofreading the human’s transcripts at the oddest times. It seems he has cat-niptions over spelling and grammatical errors, overuse of the word “suddenly”, as well as non-justified margins, and ending sentences with prepositions. I find his position to be of great benefit, but his meow-nerisms may need to be dealt with in the near future. His favorite office position is to kick the humans away from the computer so he may review. He also seems to be the office practical joker. When the writers step away, he walks over the keyboard in mid-document, then sits in the corner, grooming his whiskers, and looking as innocent as possible. Have yet to catch him on video—very talented black cat. Levity in the workplace is of great advantage, and I quite approve of his tactics in order to keep the two authors focused on their work. Unfortunately, Mr. Tunsis was also caught stealing one of my catnip stogies (caught on camera here, trying to hide the stogie under his expansive belly. Mr. Tunsis seems to have quite a weight problem.) Disciplinary action was also taken with Mr. Tunsis. My recommendation for him would be a bit of anger management training; the theft of the stogie has been taken care of internally and does not interfere with the humans’ writing goals and objectives.
Next, we’ll review Dr. Pepper, PhD. He’s quite an asset to the Corporation with the use of his Doctorate in Logistical Management and IT Operations. Dr. Pepper seems to be a quiet fellow most of the time and prefers to retain the smallest office in the building to carry out his expurrrtise in all office logistical opurrrations. He handles all the shipping and receiving. He’s in charge of all travel arrangements, book signing equipment (tents, tables, chairs, etc.), making sure that the authors’ vehicles remain in purrrfect condition for their many travels, and assuring the office IT equipment is up and running smoothly. Dr. Pepper isn’t very sociable and often scoffs at other employees who get in his way. He may be in need of some training in his social skills in order to get along with the office staff, but his tantrums in no way hinder the progress of the authors. It is unfortunate that Dr. Pepper does indeed have medical issues with Narcolepsy, and is often found napping. To date, it hasn’t proven to be a problem for the corporation but he’s elderly and may need to be prompted for a full examination to include a cat scan.
- Tasia is the official Greeter for J&C Wordsmiths, and has proven to be a grand new addition to the J&C team. She graduated top dog in her class at Walmart’s door greeter school, winning over her instructors’ hearts before they realized she was actually a canine. Visitors to J&C’s covert offices are welcomed with an enthusiastic greeting by Ms. Tasia. However, if they try to skirt around her position to enter, she will indeed ruff up anyone with unauthorized access. She’s been dually trained in all manners of security operations. It seems her most dangerous weapon is her tail, an asset used more than necessary at times, I do believe. Her most toxic weapon used for security is her tongue. The sign on her desk is clearly posted and all guests are warned, yet welcomed.
- Mattie is the manager of Inventory Control for J&C Wordsmiths. She’s a very sweet, shy feline and suffers from bouts of depression resulting from an accident many years ago when she was a kitten, wherein a portion of her head was run over by a human’s vehicle. Surgery was successful, but she states she’s not been the same since. Very recently she sadly had to succumb to the Manager’s directive to check in to a rehabilitation facility for catnip addiction (please note my theft report 010101, wherein several catnip cigars were missing), and was simultaneously reprimanded for reporting to work while under the influence. Video proof showed Mattie trying to run from the institutions authorities, but could only do the ‘ole “Scooby-Doo-Shuffle” instead, as she forgot to engage her claws when running on polished wood floors. It seems the entire staff has started a “betting pool” on the prognosis for her recovery—laughingly stating that it’s 10-1 odds in Las Vegas. One can only roll their eyes and twitch their whiskers at such shamelessness.
- Addison holds the position of Bookkeeper/Accountant for J&C Wordsmiths. He handles all accounts, receipts, and invoices with purrrfection, except when dealing with Mattie’s accounts and has cat-atonic seizures when huge catnip invoices show up in the mail. Mr. Addison works long hours; which seem to be a characteristic of a purrrfectionist OCD, and I’m concerned about his mental health. He may need to seek professional counseling about this issue, but in the meantime he’s been “forced” out of his office after hours. He now relaxes by watching episodes of Star Trek-The Next Generation. It seems his favorite character is Data’s cat, Spot—very much liking and replaying (over and over) the scene of when Spot was turned into a lizard—another obvious sign of his OCD and fixations.
- Scooter serves as the Head of Security. He never has a problem getting his point across—all TEN—in fact! He often trains with Ms. Tasia in the art of claw fencing (after work of course). Gossip amongst the office staff suggests that a feline/canine relationship may be at hand. Of course, this is none of my business as long as their jobs are carried out to satisfaction. Mr. Scooter, quite by surprise, voluntarily offered his talents as the “masseuse” for J&C Wordsmiths—both for the authors and staff. Seems he spent a year in Jamaica after a stint in the military (Navy Seals), and learned the art of massage therapy while in the Islands. Innately sensing any anxiety with the staff, Mr. Scooter is ready and willing to offer up a relaxing body massage, sometimes even a deep tissue claw massage, for all that are over-stressed.
The authors have become accustomed to their feline/canine staff, and most times prefer us over their human equals (observe picture of author to the left, conversing with a canine during a book signing).
- SYDNEY SCHARNLING SCHNAUZER: I hope my findings of the J&C Wordsmiths, LLC offices and staff met with your approval. I offer up a few more details for you before my conclusion, as follows:
In that the offices of J&C Wordsmiths, LLC is located in an underground, covert location—I too assume the identity of one that is covert (see picture of me attempting to be covert). My position as Research and Intelligence is gratifying and I take great pleasure in seeing both of these authors succeed, especially with our faithful assistance—even in the nighttime hours after all the work is done. The authors seem to “need” us, an emotion I’m not familiar with, but learning.
Next, I offer up an extra benefit that the J&C Wordsmiths feline and canine staff take with great pride—an attempt to help them write more often, better, and get a “feel” for their genre. I’ve entered photos for your review, as the staff teaches Jack and Cyndi a multitude of ways to, shall we say, take out—dispatch—murder victims…fodder for their novels. I even took a “whack” at murdering a cardinal—just to fit in (the horror…)
Now, since I serve as the Intel Officer – I’ve taken the liberty of informing the staff that the CIO will be paying a visit to our offices. I’ve provided photos of you, Ms. Schnauzer, so they will know you when they see you (as seen below). I’ve advised them that you’d probably be paying a visit to the office for an inspection and interview with each employee to insure that all is being performed as it should – for the greater good. You’ve been here before (when other employees were present – you’ve even gone out in the field with the authors to make sure they’re performing their books signings correctly. With all due respect, sometimes it’s a frightening day when Sydney Schnarling Schnauzer shows up at the doorstep – however, it is quite motivational.
After your visit, I’ll report back to you once per month, most likely focusing on individual employees, their talents, contributions to the corporation, and maladies that I perceive that may disrupt the writing duo.
With best regards,
Normal Cooler – MI (Meownistry Intelligence) Agent 00Purr
By Authors Jack Gannon & Cyndi Williams-Barnier